“Hey you! Hey! Hey! Get out of my cul-de-sac! Hey, you don’t belong… damn idiots! No Mommy, I don’t want to go in the backyard – I need to tell that guy – ”
People are so annoying! They don’t understand me. Not even my Mommy. I was trying to tell that stupid guy about the threats that exist in this area, and how if he doesn’t stop sticking his big nose in our business I will never be able to uncover them and stop them – once and for all. And even though I do love Mommy, she is no better. All she does is take the crap that guy leaves out of one box and throws it in another. He serves no purpose except to upset the delicate balance of my work. And now I am tied out in the BACK yard, where I can’t even do my job properly.
Oh, I got so aggravated I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Dixie. Actually it’s Dixie Ratzenberger. Even though Mommy divorced this stupid guy long before she brought me to live with her, I still get stuck with his name. I keep hoping she will find a new guy with a better name, but from the looks of the jerks she keeps bringing home, I’m not holding my breath.
I am a proud, long and low dachshund. The people like to call me a “wiener dog” or a “hot dog” and they say I’m so cute and funny. But they don’t know the truth. I, for one, am tired of hiding behind this façade of happy stupidity. So here it is. The truth. I am part of a secret society trained to hunt and eradicate the biggest threat to all of mankind – lean in close and I will tell you what it is. Make sure no one is listening – ready?
It’s badgers. They’re everywhere, but people don’t see them. Even other dog breeds are powerless to detect them. But they are a force of evil in the world. I was sent here as a puppy to train on a secret mission because this neighborhood has an abnormally high concentration. Judging by Mommy’s dates, it also has a high concentration of jerks. I am still trying to figure out if there is a correlation between the two. I think there is.
Now I know you are thinking, “Secret Agent Dixie, isn’t it babyish to say you have a Mommy?” I’m glad you asked. Our Mommies are necessary for survival because although we are stealthy, cunning and fierce, we have been cursed with ridiculous little stump legs. But Superman had Kryptonite, and he prevailed. We are sly enough to work around this minor disadvantage. The Mommies are unknowingly aiding our mission all over the world.
Yes, we do grow to love our Mommies. They are usually very nice to us. My Mommy, Claire, adores me and sometimes it is embarrassing. But she gives me extra treats and PEOPLE FOOD, which is like a turbo power boost for secret agents. It helps us locate badgers ten times faster.
Mommies also take us on walks and that’s where we send and receive messages. Why do you think we pee ten times on a walk around the neighborhood? I know other dog breeds may do this also, and sometimes it is merely social, like when I just want to say hello to the Jack Russell or share jokes with the Pekingese on the corner. But more often than not I am on official business.
There is a retired dachshund secret agent who lives in the older section of the neighborhood, and he needs to pass on his wisdom and training to me. His pee pee contains highly confidential information, but of course clueless Mommy drags me away before I get to decode the whole message because she needs to get exercise. Maybe if she stopped shoving donuts down her gullet she would be able to relax and let me do my job. I can’t tell you what top secret classified intelligence his poop contains, or sadly I would have to kill you.
But stupid Mommy hasn’t been taking me for enough walks lately because there’s always some jackass man coming over. She was telling the lady next door about some old dude with a hat. I did perk up to listen to that one, though. Sometimes badgers hide under hats. She has no idea.
I am going to take a break from writing now and take a good 6 hour nap. The sun is shining and I need the energy to sniff for the enemy and that is very serious … Oh look, Mommy has CHEESE!!! OMG!!!!!!
What was I saying? Oh yeah, whew. I saw that cheese and my eyeballs almost popped out of my head. Food is also another potential weakness. We need it for badger hunting but we can get sucked in, like that creepy guy wearing the diaper who liked that ring so much in that long, boring movie some jerk made Mommy watch one time. I can relate to him – “my precious cheddar!”
But more on that later – the food issue, not the jerk. Well the jerks, too. There are so many and that one who keeps stuffing garbage in the little box at the end of the driveway will be back tomorrow to face Secret Agent Dixie. I’ll be ready…..