“Good morning, little Dixie. Let’s go make a pee pee!”
“Yeah, why don’t you go make a pee pee?” I love Mommy, but when she sticks her big head in my crate in the morning and takes off my nice warm blanket – that I worked to get PERFECTLY wrapped around my body – I want to dig a hole to China!
She has no idea that secret agent wiener dogs are trained to HOLD our pee pee – duh! How the hell can we catch badgers if we’re prancing all over the yard like stupid Yorkies or Pekingese all day? There was a Pekingese in my puppy training class and I swear she was brain dead…
“Okay Mommy – I’m coming!” She has no idea what I’m saying. Sometimes she’s as smart as the Pekingese.
Oh, this is great now. This wet crap is falling on me again. I don’t know where it comes from, but today it’s just wet enough to freeze me and now this pokey green crap is tickling my belly. Oww, that one stabbed me in the privates. That must be the weeds Mommy is always cursing about.
That stupid guy hasn’t been here to mow the lawn lately. Mommy probably didn’t pay him. That other jerk – the BIGGEST one of all in that ugly brown outfit – came yesterday and left like 10 boxes of sparkly things that Mommy puts on her feet. I still think he’s a badger in disguise and he NEVER brings me one damn thing.
I just spotted that new man who moved in across the street. Last night I heard Mommy telling the lady next door that she hasn’t seen the new neighbor. I swear Mommy is blind. She would suck at finding badgers. If we had to depend on her to be a secret agent the world would be controlled by the badgers in no time – like in that movie with the big monkeys who talk. Some jerk made Mommy watch that one time and he didn’t even rub my belly or share ANY popcorn.
But I got him back – I pooped in the big thing he wears on HIS feet. But my poops are so little I don’t think he even noticed until he got home.
Speaking of bellies, I bet this guy across the street would be a good belly rubber. And I haven’t had a good belly rub in a LONG time. Judging by how grouchy Mommy is lately, I don’t think she has either.
“Hey, Mommy let’s go see that guy!” I have to drag her – she is so clueless. Oh fantastic – now she’s dragging me back to the house. I swear she is never going to get a belly rub with this attitude. “And HELLO – if you pull that hard I could go airborne…no one wants to see a flying wiener!”