Whew…I love Mommy but I thought she’d never leave today. She was completely freaking out because the guy across the street MAY have seen her belly. How does she think bellies get rubbed? You have to SHOW them! I was all set to show mine, but NO…back in the house, dragging my little legs like I had wheels instead of paws.
I don’t know what she expects – her bathrobe is barely big enough to cover a mouse, or even a good sized badger. That jerk in the brown outfit brings her all sorts of other crap – can’t he bring her a bathrobe that covers her body since she is SO worried about that? I would still like to bite him. The last time he was here I was sure he was giving off a distinct badger odor – it smells like “eau de poop” and NOT in a good way.
Now that Mommy is gone I am all set to do my work. She tells everyone that I sleep all day, but what she is too dopey to realize is that under the blankie is where I receive all my secret agent messages from Wiener Dog Central! My powers are so beyond a mere….holy crap, look at all those birds outside! Where are they going? Hey, no one else is allowed to walk dogs in my cul-de-sac!! The jerks are everywhere! Now what was I saying?
So I pretend to be upset when Mommy is gone, but when she’s here I am always worried she is going to catch on to my work. All of my training has to be disguised as something else. For instance, when I rip my toys apart it isn’t CUTE! I am practicing my combat skills – when I get my face on a badge I will rip it up. Nobody knows the powers of Secret Agent Dixie! And yes, sometimes I get carried away and the windowsill or the couch cushions take a beating, but would Mommy rather the neighborhood be overrun with badgers? Sheesh…
Anyway, this whole morning was so confusing. Why couldn’t Mommy just go see the guy? She was mumbling something about not having any makeup on – I don’t know why Mommy puts all that colored food on her face. She NEVER gets it in her mouth, and not only on the days she comes home walking funny and throws up in the bathroom.
I ate some of the greasy stuff in the tube and the sparkly powder stuff when she wasn’t home and it didn’t taste that good, but the next day my poop had so many pretty colors in it. If Mommy wants to find a boyfriend she should try to make her poop prettier. It worked for me – I saw at least 3 boy dogs sniffing the lawn that day. It’s a good thing Mommy isn’t competing with ME for a boyfriend, but I need to get back to my…YOU IDIOT! STOP PUTTING STUFF IN THAT LITTLE BOX! THAT WAS NOT APPROVED!
Now, back to a vital message from Wiener Dog Central – this blankie is so soft, I may just close my eyes while I listen…