Almost everyone has done it. You break up. You try to find someone else, get interested in new hobbies, and spend more times with friends and family.
But you see him out. You miss her. You hear your song. A picture triggers unresolved feelings. A friend says she saw him out with someone else. She calls begging you to meet and “talk.”
And there you are – boomerang to the face. Pow. Out cold. Back in the same dead end relationship that doesn’t have a prayer in hell of ever working out.
WHY do we do this? Before you get mad at me for preaching, I fully admit I have done this. More than once and with more than one person. As a matter of fact, the only time I didn’t do it was in the relationship I was in right before I started dating my fiancé. And look how well that has worked out almost 3 years later with a wedding in June coming up?
We’ve all heard the advice – when one door closes, another door opens, don’t stare at the closed door, time heals all wounds, and you need be learn to be alone. This list of positive mantras and sage wisdom goes on and on. It’s enough to gag a maggot.
But when we’re lonely, and we have all these reminders, often we cave. Maybe we won’t meet anyone better? Maybe we will end up ALONE! Of course, in the end we all end up alone. And even with a partner, there is no way of knowing who will die first. And do you want to die first so you don’t end up alone? What kind of love is that?
Alone when you’re 90 isn’t the real problem. It’s missing companionship, sex, fun, and having someone to share things with, right? But don’t we want to find someone to fill all those needs who doesn’t drive us insane, criticize us, insult our friends, embarrass us at parties, or outright abuse us? Even if your ex is a basically nice person, but just not right for you, there is no JOY in that. And what is the purpose of joining with another if not for joy?
Again, I preach from a place of been there, done that. I had someone else waiting in the wings when I finally broke this cycle, but I would like to think I would have eventually found the strength to stop doing it on my own. I did eventually wise up after one former relationship and many GO-BACKS. But then it took me almost 2 years to recover from that one. The longer you drag it out, the harder it is to heal.
Go-backs rarely work. The quote above this post is scary. How could that many adults claim to be in “boomerang relationships?” Yet I was one of them many times over, and I know lots of them. I could name a bunch in a few seconds. All smart, educated, nice people. Caught in the trap of feeling there won’t be something more.
So how do you stop? I’m not an expert, but I played one in my own dysfunctional past. Don’t look at pictures. Put them away, or burn them. Same for reading old cards, letters, texts, e-mails. Let it all go. Try to avoid seeing your ex for a while. And by seeing, I mean “running into” him. If she keeps texting you, DON’T respond. You don’t have to be mean or nasty. A simple, “I can’t communicate with you while I’m healing” will suffice. And if your ex was abusive, mean, a cheater, or an otherwise big jerk, then you don’t need to say a word. Delete their messages and throw their shit out.
Time and DISTANCE heal wounds. And don’t discount friends, family, kids, and pets. One of the greatest gifts of losing love for me was discovering the value of other kinds of love. Romantic love is wonderful, but it is the hardest to find and to keep alive. Love is all around you.
If you are alone, try to cherish the worth of love in every form. Petting a dog, playing a game with a child or enjoying a glass of wine with a dear friend. Visit your parents. Volunteer to help others. Gain perspective. Take the time to learn from your mistakes.
But most of all, don’t communicate!! It opens old wounds and invites new drama. Find a good friend to call or text every time you feel tempted to send or respond to a message from an ex.
If all else fails – throw the phone out the window. It’s better the flushing your life down the toilet.
When the boomerang comes at you this weekend – DUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m pulling for you. 🙂